Conversaciones con mis homies que muestran mis pensamientos y reflexiones
Boy, oh boy. It’s been a serrrious minute since I’ve posted on here. I have so much to say, and because of that, so little. In nine days, I will be leaving for the States and I can finally say I’m ready…kind of. Over the course of these past 3.5 months, so much has happened and with all of the changes I’ve encountered, I have been able to experience such new and fresh thoughts. Right now, I feel so anxious about so many things that I haven’t been so productive with my work recently. I have to make a final video for my New Media course and also write a paper and take a final test, but I can’t get myself to really focus on that work (of course this can also be attributed to extreme senioritis and laziness). Anyway, looking back on my experience, it’s really amazing what these…
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Everything sounds better in Spanish ❤ I love this song.
I have SO much to say right now.
1. I am extremely happy. I almost feel like I’ve been drugged. I’m in a weird state right now where I’m happy, reflective, extremely pensive, still a little hungover, optimistic and genuinely content. WIth everything. I’m happy for myself.
2. I think I’m falling in love with myself and the thought of that is so comforting.
3. I kind of wish I didn’t make a new blog for study abroad. I would have liked to see all of my entries and pensamientos intermingled with the entries on this blog.
4. I’m still thinking about creating a new blog. Somewhat like a fresh start. A place where I will make myself be very honest instead of filtering my thoughts.
5. I still have to learn to not attend every battle I’m invited to. I do have a strong sense of pride and I can be quick to catch an attitude if I feel that is being threatened. And although this is such an elementary concept, I CAN just walk away lol. It just seems so hard sometimes!
6. I’ve been reflecting so much recently and I feel like I’m gaining a sense of peace. It is beautiful! Every single thing that has happened to me from the weekend I spent with Di before I left (start to finish) including our break up and the way I felt beforehand to now, everything that has happened to me while abroad including my travels to other countries and who I’ve met and what I’ve learned here, it has all been necessary! I wouldn’t change any of it. Everything has affected me a certain way and I have thought about it all over and over again and learned from it.
7. I am interested to see how life is when I get back to the States. Who will I really make time to see? Who will make time to see/catch up with me? Who will I keep in touch with from the CNMJ group? How will this semester affect me in the long run? Will I fall back into my lifestyle as it was before I left? Or have I really changed? What career path will I choose? The list goes on…and on!
8. My parents are coming to Sevilla. And we are going to Italy together 🙂 For some reason I have a hard time expressing to my parents how important they truly are to me. To everyone else, I speak soooo much about them and how great they are, but I can’t quite express it to them. (This is also true for a lot of people in my life.) I am hoping when they come I can show them a good time and I hope that the openness and expressiveness I’ve gained while being here translates into me expressing my love more openly (especially verbal appreciation) to my parents and those in my life who deserve it.
9. My friends are hilarious, motivating, beautiful and truly my family! I love our relationship with each other and I love that we are growing together. I am excited to be back together with them next semester (and forever lol). They each truly have a place in my heart.
10. (Can’t believe I’m at 10 already). I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of the way I coped/am coping with my recent breakup. I am proud of the efforts I’m making to improve myself. I am proud of how well I adjusted to my home in Sevilla. I’m proud of the peace that I am seeking (and finding!) through introspection.
11. Acceptance is a concept with which I am becoming well acquainted. Instead of wallowing in the situations I find myself in (or get myself into), I tend, now, to take the route of acceptance. By doing this, I can move on much more quickly and begin the search for solutions instead of wasting time thinking about how much it sucks.
12. I LOVE that I can respect where someone is in their life even when it doesn’t favor me. When dealing with people, I really like to take a moment to think about why someone reacts the way that they do, why they do the things they do and why that has to do with them and not me. (This could also cause me to get taken advantage of, but I really think i’ll be alright lol).
13. I live in my head a lot. I’m a thinker. Not in the way that I think so much about everything that I drive myself crazy, although that happens too, but more so in the way that I really take time to think about the situations I am in, how I feel, etc.
14. I’ve noticed that I enjoy silence sometimes. Although I love listening to music, I really do enjoy times of silence when I can really just think and not be distracted by outside noise.
15. I love that I’ve been so open with my friends about recent changes in my life. It’s proof of our friendship, and WAY more importantly, it’s proof of how comfortable I am becoming with myself. It’s also nice because it shows me that I really want them to know me. I remember telling Di one time this summer that I really wanted him to know me and I really meant it. I might mean it even more now than I did at the time. I remember years ago I had such a hard time letting people in, or allowing them to see the real me. For what reason? I don’t know. So watching my interactions with my friends, and other people close to me, and seeing that I want to present my genuine self to them is proof of my growth and that really makes my heart smile. I don’t feel like I’m afraid anymore to let people know me or get close to me (and leave myself vulnerable) because I understand that hurt and pain are a part of life and I value my relationships and interactions so much more now. I realize how much growth I have made and I am excited for its continuation.
16. One thing I love about myself is the way I self analyze. I look at myself the way I would any other person and analyze my actions. “I notice that I did this, which must mean that..” and things of that sort. Because it is more of an objective view of my actions, I don’t allow my feelings to get in the way of understanding myself and what I mean. I also allow myself time to feel out emotions and get things out. Now I do. I didn’t before.
17. Related to last night (and last time): Maybe gin just isn’t for me….
18. I love this post. I think I’m going to add it to my “files” where I have my other good shit. (I put that so eloquently.)
19. Lastly, I am happy with where I am in life. I am happy with who is in my life. I am happy with the open mind I am gaining. I am happy with my interactions with people from home while I am here ❤ I am happy with my improvement with speaking Spanish and I am excited to continue speaking and practicing when I get home.
20. Lastly, for real. (Might as well end on 20 anyway.) I am excited for life when I get back home. I will have 3 classes, only Mondays and Wednesdays (I planned that shit riiiight.) I am excited for wine and dinner chats with BBE <3. I am excited to ask people out for drinks or coffee when I get back and want to have a chat (I am falling in heavy like with this practice.) I am excited to work and intern in my other 5 days of the week. I am excited for Christmas with my family, although it will be the first without Amma (it really is still hard to process that she isn’t physically here). (I wish I could be around for Thanksgiving with my Ann and Grandpa being that this is their first without her.) (I wonder what my brother and sister will do for Thanksgiving since my parents will be here with me…) I am excited to see everyone when I get back! I am excited to go to Italy with my parents, I am so fortunate! I am thankful that I will have traveled so much by the time I go home. Most importantly I am excited to be this happy and content. It’s a very freeing feeling/thought (because I feel that it can be both, in a way that I don’t feel like explaining right now.)
21. Fuck it. I have diarrhea of the mouth (or fingers?) right now, I guess I’ll keep going. I love that I am focusing on me. I’m learning myself.
22. It really is nice to be complimented. I am always so generous with compliments, not only because I like seeing people happy, but that’s a good part of it. But it’s nice to be given a cute compliment from someone close-ish (or not). Why hold back a thought that will bring a smile to someone else?
23. phew. That was a lot, but I am really glad I took the time to get *some* of my thoughts written out. It has definitely silenced my mind a little bit. Earlier my mind was going crazy with jumbled thoughts, some of which I’ve written, others I’ll get to another day.
Menta and If came to visit this week. It was great to see them both! If left Tuesday afternoon for Switzerland and Menta and I continued our bonding and went on the sweetest tapas and wine date. We got a lot of talking in, too, which was nice since we don’t usually spend a lot of one-on-one time together. Wednesday I found out that Jen and I had to leave at 00:15 instead of early in the morning! So, we hopped on the 6-hour bus to Madrid and once we got there, we had a few
to spare but we decided to get to the airport to print our boarding passes. We had a bit of a scare with a Ryanair fee for not having our boarding passed printed, but since we were flying with Swiss International, we could print our “billetes”* at the desk. We printed out billetes and then headed outside for some Adventure Time.
After AT I was cracking up at security. The lady announcing directions had such a funny voice and in Spanish it was even funnier. Some good quotes: “botas, gorras! Electronicos, ordenadores!” The flight was cool. We met a couple from LA behind us and a girl from Texas studying in Madrid the row in front of us. When we arrived at Zürich airport in Switzerland, Tess, jawn from Madrid/Texas, ended up chillin with us. We walked around for a while looking for a way to get some sightseeing in, but ended up taking a walk not too far from the airport. We stumbled upon this park-like place and ended up making a fire! It was so cute. Now Jen, Tess and I are waiting for our flights. (Tess is going to Prague). We’ll be meeting with Menta and If in Amsterdam! 😊
*jen: “I just have a question, what’s the word for ticket?”
I know I said I was absent before, but it got worse. I’ve been finding it difficult to blog regularly, I’m getting so wrapped up in life here. It’s kind of nice, but I don’t want to look back and wish I had written more. Entonces, this post is going to be a big wrap up of some of the highlights that have happened recently (I’ve been keeping a list):
2. I’m gonna make this one a private post, actually.
3. Cádiz Trip
4. Sagres, Portugal
5. Conversations with If and Lionel
Classes. So far, this area in my life is going great. Besides the homework part, I love my classes here. The professors are all really interesting and engaging, and they just seem like genuine people. I have two classes with Rubén Díaz and in one of them he always has great video clips to show us. They’re always insightful and/or eye-opening. Another professor, Carlos Pineda, seems like the sweetest and nicest person. He is so animated when he’s teaching and it really helps to keep me engaged. My photography professor, Antonio, is also really animated. The one class that’s the exception to all of this is my Cervantes y Quijote class at la Universidad de Sevilla. That class is incredibly boring. I think it’s mainly the subject manner, and also the huge contrast between the style of this class and my others, that make it so horrible. But, I only have it two days a week, so I’ll survive.
Cádiz. CIEE took us to Cádiz for a day. It was a really nice trip. The weather was kind of lousy, but it was nice to see a new place and cross it off of my list. Cádiz was kind of similar to Sevilla in that it had that small town feel in some parts, but what it had that Sevilla lacks is the beach. Although I didn’t get in because of the weather, it was really pretty.
Sagres. Man, oh, man. This weekend in Sagres with Outdoor Sevilla was so much fun. We met at Plaza de Cuba and drove to Sagres with Javi driving, Lilly, Jen, myself, Claire and Sarah (from my intensive session) and her friend Hannah. So we had a nice group. On the way there Claire played DJ for a bit and I realized how similar our tastes in music were. And she’s down! She had all the jams, old and new. We had a good time listening and singing to some old stuff. It was just nice to hear some music i liked and to find out that other people here liked it too. Especially Claire lol that definitely made me like her a lot more. Before arriving at our hotel in Sagres, we stopped to take a hike. The hike took us up to this big ole cliff and then down to the beach. It was SO beautiful. The views I saw that weekend were all amazing. We pent a while on the beach and then hiked back to the car to continue onto Don Tenorio Hotel. I was thinking our housing arrangement was gonna be a hostel-like place. Instead, we get our keys (just the 5 of us, there was only one room for 5 people and we hooped on that) and we open up the door to a full out apartment. There were 3 beds, a big futon, and we got another bed rolled in. It had a full kitchen, a nice bathroom and even a balcony. It was way more than I expected. That night, we got dressed and went to dinner at this bar which later turned into a party of sorts. There was this upstairs area and no one was really up there. Before I get ahead of myself, I was already in the mood o turn up that night. And on top of that, the bar was playing so many R&B jams. Like the jammmms. So i was singing throughout dinner and the rest of the girls were enjoying themselves too (not the other tables, they hadn’t loosened up yet, i guess). Moving along, back to the upstairs area, once we finished our dinner and got a drink or two, we wanted to dance, so we walked upstairs and started the turn up. Slowly but surely people starting joining us and it turned out to be a greatttt night. I was having a good ole time dancing. My ‘yansh’ was thoroughly shook! There was also a bar next door that was playing all reggae, I had to go in there and just sit for a bit.
The next day, Lilly, Kathryn, Claire and I got up a tad early and after getting breakfast, we decided to take a walk around. Javi told some places we could go and while walking we found a path down some rocks to the beach. It was GORGEOUS! It was so nice looking out and seeing nothing beyond the water. It was a beautiful time. We took some pics, walked along the water’s edge and explored down the beach a little while. When we got back to the hotel, they were having a BBQ for us. By that time we had stopped and bought some Bacardi and mixers so we started turning up in the apartment. In my quest for speakers, I turned my phone and a metal pot into a makeshift version to last us for a little while. Kathryn captured the moment, of course.
A little later, we went to the beach. We played volleyball, swam, took pics and had a good ole time. Then we were off to hiking, cliff jumping and surfing!! The highlight for me was learning to surf. And enjoying it! We also sat and watched the sunset from this cliff.
We, then, went back to the hotel, got decent and went out for dinner. It was really filling. Jen ended up getting some to go and it came in handy later! Before going out, someone had a little pregame in their room. it was nice, we played Kings and drank but it was just nice to see everyone on the same page – just out to have a good time. We ended up going to the same bar that we did the previous night and we had a good time again. It was only Jen, Claire and I because the rest of the troops felt sick. But just like the night before, the three of us went upstair and later that night it was poppin’. Everyone else from the trip showed up and joined us. We also went to the bar next door and Sarah and I ended up dancing on top of these concrete things. I don’t even know what to call them. But we had a good time. We met some characters outside the bar, one of which was Mitch, the guy who taught us to surf.
Okay I made a mistake, the hiking, cliff Jumping and surfing was the day after this night I just described. Oh well. On Sunday, before heading to Sevilla, [insert day about surfing] whoops. we then went to this restaurant where i had suchhh a filling meal. I decided to “treat myself” and go ham. The ride home to Sevilla was nice. We took turns DJing for half of the trip and the second half we were all talking to each other. It was cute. When we got back to Sevilla, Lils and Jen came over for Adventure Time. It was a nice way to end the weekend. I had a freakin’ blast!
This song was like the theme somg of the trip: https://soundcloud.com/mr-k4m3ll0/a-relaxing-cup-of-cafe-con Javi showed us this. It’s the Mayor of Madrid giving a speech in English, which she doesn’t speak.
Conversations. I’ll tackle If’s first. When I was talking to If and BBE about a new occurrence (ahem), first, we had a HILARIOUS conversation. Second If asked me later if I was worried about what they would think, or why I felt comfortable talking to them about it. And I loved my response.
I think it’s really telling of my new mindset. Or the one that I’m trying to grow into. I know I’m definitely not there yet, but it’s nice to know that’s where I wanna get. Now, the conversation with Pio was similar in that it’s about my growth. He was flirting with me etc. and I told him that he shouldn’t be talking to me like that since he’s involved with someone (he said it wasn’t his gf, but I’m pretty sure he said he had one before. Either way i wasn’t with it). He then went on to tell me how he doesn’t see how I can say that considering what I did and that I’ve been in his position before. Which is true, minus the denying the bf fact. I was up front about that the whole time lol. Either way, at the end I ended up telling him that I consider him as someone very lose to me and I appreciate our relationship but I’m not doing the dumb shit anymore and I’m not about to hurt someone else even if I dont know her and it was wrong of me to have done what I did back in the day. Apparently he liked that response because he went on to say “I love this new you!” etc, lol. It was nice to have that exchange with him. I really do consider him one of my close friends. We have a special bond but a history of BS, so that’s gotta stop.
This video is from Adventure Time. We had Adventure Time and watched this before we left for Sagres. The thing to say now is “this is unacceptable!” http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=WgzD3qMZIWs
This is a video Jen sent me. Summit by Skrillex. Tough. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=-e_3Cg9GZFU
Also, I found my new favorite song. Thanks to fellow BBE member, Clementa. And I just made a playlist of the songs I’m listening to here. I know I’ll appreciate it when I get back.
For some reason, when I think about leaving I get so sad. I really love it here. I love my mindset, the people I’m chilling with and the lifestyle. I’m having a great time.